• thesleepingbags - Ellie Pusey

My experience with mental health

I don’t really know where to start so I will just jump right into it. I started experiencing mental health problems around the age of 13. It wasn’t anything serious back then, just anxiety and difficulty coping with certain situations, so I went to see a life coach, and after around a year I stopped going to see my life coach and things felt much better, or so I thought. After my GCSEs I moved to a new school to take my A-levels. Over the summer prior to going to my new sixth form, I connected with a lot of other people who were also going to the school and created an amazing group of mates.

I had an excellent start to my sixth form experience. Until the end of the year when things started to take a turn for the worst. I asked the school for help and told them how I felt and that I wanted too see someone and get help, they said the school councilor was fully booked. I then went to my local GP and asked for help, I even told the doctor I felt suicidal, she told me that she put me on a waiting list for CAMH

S (about a year waiting list) but she didn’t think it was anything serious and sent me home. I had no problems with anyone at school but I just really struggled with myself and needed an escape. On the 19th of May 2019 I have my first attempt to end my life. This day is still very blurry to me. I remember being home alone and taking the overdose. I took a very serious amount of pills and came far too close to ending my life. I then called my parents who were in London for the day (2 hours away), to say my goodbyes, and texted my friends goodbye. My parents freaked as I lay on the sofa, while my body started to shut down. My parents called a very good friend of ours to the house to come get me and take me to the hospital, while they made their way back to me as quickly as possible. At the time I was feeling so overwhelmed, yet numb at the same time that I cant even tell you how I felt, but I knew I was not happy at the time to see that someone had come to take me to the hospital, I just wanted to lie on that sofa till I went. Looking back I owe my

life to those two friends that got me to the hospital, and I will forever be grateful.

In the hospital I had to have an IV drip for 20+ something hours and stay for checks in the hospital. All together I was in the hospital for around three days or so. It was one of the most painful, most uncomfortable experiences of my life and it hurts me to even think back to it. After that I my parents looked into getting me the help I needed. It hurt me to see how much pain I had caused my family, my parents and sisters.

Fast forward, after going private and getting an incredible therapist, things started to look up. But not for long, on the 25th of June 2019 I had my second suicide attempt. This one was due to a build up of small things and one serious allegation by a boy who had just left my school (who will remain anonymous). He accused me of sending him ‘inappropriate’ photos of myself while he was dating a girl who happened to be a very close friend of mine at the time. He had no proof of this allegation and struck when I

was at my most vulnerable, fresh out of hospital. I thought I could cope, until I found out that everyone believed him. I still don’t know why they did, maybe because I was so unstable? Did they think I was delusional? The day after the big explosion of emotion, on the 25th of June I found myself back in the A&E unit hooked up to another drip, fighting for my life once more. This one was a very close call.

When I returned home, we came to a decision between my parents, therapist and school that I will be home schooled for my final year of a-levels. I pains me to admit my defeat to the people who hurt me, but home schooling is a very cold and lonely place to be, or at least it was for me. Watching the people who hurt me so deeply enjoying themselves and having a blast together, while I was stuck at home with my parents watching over me like a hawk. My saving grace was really my boyfriend at the time, though we are not together now, I honestly couldn’t have done it without his support. He kept me a-float when I thought I was in a dark place and never gave up on me, even when I gave up on myself. I did have a third attempt later on in the year of 2019 but I

won’t get into that too much as it was very random. One day I just got into a bad place and all my past experiences took over me and I decided I couldn’t cope anymore and went for what I thought was an escape route. I honestly can’t explain what happened that day. It is all a blur.

Almost two years on and I have come so far. I finished my business A-level with the help of my amazing home tutor and came out with a top grade. I have been in therapy since my first attempt and have made incredible progress, but my biggest achievement is definitely starting my business. I used my experience to do good and help others, I pulled myself together and created this amazing business that I am so grateful for. I work as a part time florist as well, I have met some amazing people who have taught me new skills and had the patience of an angel with me! They really helped pull me through home schooling, having distractions like work that you enjoy is life changing. Side note for anyone wondering, I did actually get evidence that that ‘inappropriate’

photo wasn’t sent as I had my phone searched by a specialist (perks of having a dad in the IT industry), still confused what would make someone accuse someone of such a thing when they are so vulnerable, but who knows! I kept this between my family however, as I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of my attention and time.

I must say though, this is no sprint. After two years I still struggle with my mental health. I used to be bright and sociable, now I still struggle to go anywhere in social situations without a ‘safe’ person. I call them my safe people, these are people I am comfortable with. They consist of my family, close family friends and my two best mates. But, I am slowly getting there, I work weekly with a therapist along side my medication and I see a light at the end of the tunnel, I know now that I will get through this. I am so grateful that I am still here to share my story and help others, and just want to make the most out of everything.

Thank you for taking your time to read a little about my experience and I hope for anyone struggling it brings you some hope and clarification that you will get through this, there is always a way, no matter how hard it might seem. Please don’t be shy to ask for help, and remember you are never a burden!!

Ellie Pusey

279 views4 comments

Recent Posts

See All